


thoughts that go like bullets through you

by lesbianchiyo



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26003362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianchiyo/pseuds/lesbianchiyo
Summary: Ren grieves about the clouds he never got to see.
Relationships: Abe Takaya/Mihashi Ren
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	thoughts that go like bullets through you

**Author's Note:**

> [sleep thru ur alarms](https://soundcloud.com/lontalius/sleep-thru-ur-alarms?ref=clipboard)

There was a weird feeling that came right before the clock turned twelve, a weird feeling right before the night turned into morning. A weird feeling that Ren had learned to dread, yet he was unable to escape. 

And every night before it turned morning Ren would sit up and he'd brace himself. He'd hold his breath in his chest, press a hand against his heart and lay there. The fan above him calming his screaming lungs and his hands acting as a barrier from his heart that threatened to escape. 

And every night when his lungs begged for air, burned his chest and his heart pounded against his ribcage; his whole body fighting the looming death that was so close to tipping over and then he'd exhale. Sucking in as much air as his empty lungs would take, the burning feeling would reside and his heart would calm to nothing but a slow pounding— so quiet Ren thought he would die. 

And he should be dead, yet he wasn't, not yet, but he should be. He should be; the night switches to morning and the weird feeling falls beneath his heavy eyelids.

The next night was the same, yet he held on longer, started earlier, curled his hands in the sheets beneath him. His body begging for air, but his brain begging for the death he so wished for, so deserved, was waiting for it to tip over and knock the air he was holding in his lungs out. Yet it never came, because Takaya wouldn't want this. 

But how was Ren supposed to know what Takaya wanted? 

Everyone could say what they wanted, everyone could tell Ren Takaya wanted him to be happy. But how could Ren be happy when Takaya wasn't there. 

Without Takaya and his grumpy frowns, and his green eyes that sparkled when he looked into them. 

He missed the reflection he'd get back, a cloudy version of himself and inside the cloudy Ren's eyes he liked to imagine a cloudy Takaya. 

And then it all came back to how come he didn't notice? 

And it all came back to what Takaya wanted? 

And it all came back to getting to him. 

The weird feeling before night turns to morning was nothing but the death that loomed over Ren. 

Because it was the only way he could get him back. The boy and the smiles only he got to see. The boy and the sparkly green eyes. 

The boy and the—night turned to morning and the thoughts buried themselves beneath his heavy eyelids. 

All Ren could see was the cloudy version of himself in Takaya eyes. 


End file.
